Guilt

Standard

Now that I am over the initial shock of the condition of Logan’s feet, I can think a bit more logically and realize that this wasn’t my fault. I cried when I saw them, felt sick, panic stricken almost, at the thought that this could have gone on right under my nose without me knowing. I felt guilty and so, so sad that he endured this without complaint. He must know I would have helped him, had he said something. Why wouldn’t he say something? After thinking about this for a couple of hours, I know why he didn’t. He is Logan.

Logan is a tough as nails kid, who has been through a lot. Other kids have endured much, much more than he has, but he really has gone through quite a bit. After being born with a cord around his neck, he was in the doctor’s office off and on for 8 weeks until he was admitted into Boston Children’s Hospital for surgery. Over the course of the next several years he had multiple MRI’s, CTscan’s, bone density testing, organ and lung biopsies, scopes put into his stomach and lungs, sweat tests, countless blood draw, and many, many hospital stays with IV.

He is doctor shy because of this. When he was little we’d go in to the doctor for a cough or a tummy ache and we’d end up in the hospital on an IV. He remembers all of this. He still talks about this. He is somewhat traumatized by this. He once walked around for 4 weeks on a fractured growth plate in his foot with minimal complaint. I have had to become a detective and pick up on subtle clues, piecing a puzzle together and determine if he needs medical attention or not.

His memory of these doctor’s visits are vivid in some instances. He will talk about a song that was on the radio, the day we were pulling into the hospital parking lot- for something, I can’t even recall what, a year ago. Some of these hospital memories are deeply ingrained in his mind. Since we have had 4 major deaths in the last few years, he has become even more hesitant to go to the doctors. It makes me so sad for him, and I try so hard to make sure everything is explained to him ahead of time, but he knows as well as I do, if the doctor wants to send you for tests, or if you need to be admitted for treatment- that’s that and we’re going.

Fortunately, Logan hasn’t had to be in the hospital for anything overnight for about 4 years. I wish he could let go of some of these fears. Its something we work on.

It’s amazing how we as mothers parents take all of this burden of blame upon ourselves. 1,000 kisses and hugs, 500 bedtime stories, hundreds of delicious meals, warm baths, loads of clean folded laundry- all of the things we do to care for our kids and make sure they’re comfortable can be cancelled out in an instant over one situation like this. Years of good and nurturing parenting- tossed right out the window in our own minds. It’s crazy. We need to learn to accept that even in the most loving and vigilant household, things slip by us. We’re busy, we’re working, we’re grocery shopping, getting gas, paying bills. I was preoccupied with Abby coming home and Kevin going away. If you aren’t familiar with what I am talking about regarding Abby & Kev, please read this blog entry.

So, I will go home tonight, and give Logan an extra big hug and kiss and tend to his poor feet. But I won’t continue to beat myself up over this, it’s not helping either of us. We’re all still learning as we go.

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