Through the Fog

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Struggling today. Not really sure why..Just one of those days I guess. Alot has been flying around the web, stories of disabled adults and coping etc. It has put me into a funk. A ‘this sucks for him and all of them’ fog. The nice weather doesn’t matter. The fact its Friday doesn’t matter. Summer vacation, pay day, fireworks tonight, none of it matters on days like this.

My husband is a great support to me. He really does a great job in reminding me that Logan has a fantastic life, a loving attentive family and does alot that other kids his age may not get to do. That’s not what this is about. My sadness is deep. It is always lurking, but usually kept under the surface because I do realize these things- that Logan is a happy kid and living a great life. But the sadness I feel is beyond these facts. The reality is, he doesn’t know any better, so he is happy. But I know better, and I know what he is missing out on every single day.

Nothing anybody can say will ever alleviate this sadness. As a parent, we all want our kids to live a long, full, happy life. We want them to have more than we ever had, and live out every dream. I feel like Logan is being gypped of this, and it sucks. My love for him is so strong, I can literally feel my heart break whenever I start dwelling on it. I try so hard to push it away, but the smallest thing will trigger these feelings.

Watching kids riding their bikes. Walking down the street with a pretty girl. Getting a job. Learning to drive. These are simple, coming of age things, that Logan isnt experiencing. Will he someday? Maybe. He has enormous potential, I realize this. But we have to carefully balance chaperoning as well as tolerance. How much can/will he tolerate? When? When can he be left on his own to do these things? Its a tough call. My fear is he will be bullied, taken advantage of or hurt and he won’t be able to articulate what’s going on. It’s the most gripping, intense fear I’ve ever felt in my life- and it washes over me every single time he leaves me.

So, thats where I am at today. Again, I dont know why. Nothing specific dredges these glum feelings up for me, so I never know when they will hit. I deal, I move on. His smile brings me back, and we get through it. He never knows the difference, and I smile through tears at his courage. I’ll kiss him and he will say ‘yuck mom!’ and I will realize that in that respect, he is a typical teen, and I am back to reality again.

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